Tomorrow is the anniversary date of SPC Bryant's death. It's amazing how the subconscious is more aware of dates than the forefront of our minds. Scars embed so deep in some cases that there seems to be a 6th sense of awareness in a parallel universe that may or may not exist. But when dwelling in sadness and pain, it's almost inevitable to wonder or hope that there's still a connection to those we lost along the way.
I remember when Bryant first got to our company. A few years later, he shot himself. To quickly flash through the years that send me through such a dark phase in my life, and to see my life now, seems so contradictory that it feels like it was a nightmare from years before. My anxiety keeps me on edge for everything in life, but that doesn't mean that life doesn't seem appealing to me. I'm no longer suicidal, but I try keeping myself busy as if to turn my thumbs and hum to a random song, pretending that everything is fine and the feeling of darkness will fade. Will it? Only time will tell.
A part of me still misses the military. This year will mark 8 years of leaving the Army. Unfortunately, I stumbled hard for the following 5 years after 2012, so the nightmare still doesn't feel too far behind me. Nevertheless, 2011 was hands down the absolute worst year of my life. Talk about a domino effect of events...If you thought all that happened to Forrest Gump in the movie was atrocious, 2011 was that for me. I try getting myself to talk about it more yet I don't. I want it to be so far behind me, I'd rather pretend it never happened. But it's almost inevitable that someone will ask for my story as I continue with the FIGHT mission, and all that devastating darkness tries to surface. Seeing it all and feeling it are on completely different sides of the spectrum as far as my reaction to it. I continue to age and grow older, but I still feel the younger me trying to figure out what the fuck all that was and how to overcome it.
~Keep fighting the fight~